Don’t Permit People to “Tell On” Others; Insist They Carry Their Own Messages

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By Quint Studer

What we permit, we promote. I learned this phrase from speaker and author Liz Jazwiec. If new ideas and challenges are permitted and celebrated, more of each will take place. On the less positive side, “permitting” can reinforce actions that are not good. For example: A person regularly shows up late, and nothing happens…a leader repeatedly misses goals, and nothing happens…a person gossips, and nothing happens. The results are lateness, missed goals, and increased gossip. This type of “permitting” happens in immature workplaces.

And there’s another type of permitting that’s just as damaging. Rather than speaking up to others who break rules and standards, people go to their leader or others in the workplace to “tell on” the person. When leaders permit this behavior, it can create other issues. It damages trust. It stirs up drama. It delays conflict resolution. It wastes the leader’s time and distracts them from other priorities. It prevents growth and maturity; having difficult conversations is an essential leadership skill.

Allowing people to tell on others undermines employee ownership. Great companies are built by those who are willing to “own” their views and opinions. It is usually better for people to solve their own issues rather than asking a leader to do it. I call this “Park Ranger Leadership.” When people expect leaders to swoop in and save them when they’re “lost in the wilderness,” they never develop the problem-solving skills they need to thrive.

Yes, it can be uncomfortable to speak directly to a coworker on sensitive issues. But not doing so is a sign that people are choosing comfort over character. In a mature workplace, people go directly to the person. In my book The Great Employee Handbook, this is referred to as “carrying your own message.”

My own childlike behavior was changed when I worked for Mark Clement at Holy Cross in Chicago. I was in a VP role and was frustrated with another VP. We both reported to Mark. In a conversation with Mark, I mentioned items that I felt this other VP needed to get done. My plan was that Mark would say he would talk to this VP. I waited for that response. Instead, Mark said, “How did [name of VP] respond when you shared with her what you just shared with me?” I was stunned. He then said, “After you and she discuss these issues, if they are not resolved, we can meet together.”

Mark forced me to be an adult. I could either act or learn how to have a conversation with my coworker. This lesson continues to make a big impact on my life. If Mark had said he would handle it, I would not have learned to carry my own message. I would have just kept bringing issues to him.

Here are a few tips:

  • When a person brings a concern about another worker, ask what happened when they went directly to the person. Usually, they will admit they have not done so. Then, spend time with the person building that skill set. A lot of energy is wasted when people go to others with their concerns about a person versus speaking to the person themselves.

 

  • Do not accept general statements. For example: “This person is creating a lot of anxiety.” What does that mean? Ask for specifics. Words like “a lot” mean nothing without specifics.

 

  • Make sure one of your standards of behavior is “Go directly to people with your messages rather than taking them to someone else.” Then, if they come to you first, connect back to the standards. It will be clear the person is not living them.

 

  • If someone comes to you and says, “I need to share something with you, but I can’t tell you who told me,” in most cases, it’s best to tell that person, “Unless it is something illegal or immoral, please don’t tell me.” Then ask them for suggestions on how you can be more approachable, so others are comfortable coming directly to you. Thank them for trying to be helpful but let them know that it’s more helpful to encourage everyone to carry their own message.

 

The best leaders create adult workplaces, not adult/child workplaces. In mature workplaces, things run more smoothly and productively, conflicts decrease, the culture improves, and people learn valuable skills that allow them to grow professionally and personally.

 

Quint StuderAbout Quint Studer

Quint is the coauthor (with Katherine A. Meese, PhD) of The Human Margin: Building the Foundations of Trust, a leadership resource that combines the latest workplace research findings with tactics proven to help people and organizations flourish. His book Rewiring Excellence: Hardwired to Rewired provides doable tools and techniques that help employees and physicians find joy in their work and enhance patients’ and families’ healthcare experiences. His book The Calling: Why Healthcare Is So Special helps healthcare professionals keep their sense of passion and purpose high. In Sundays with Quint, he shares a selection of his popular leadership columns for leaders, employees, and business owners in all industries.

Quint is the cofounder of Healthcare Plus Solutions Group®, a consulting firm that specializes in delivering customized solutions to diagnose and treat healthcare organizations’ most urgent pain points.